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Ciaran Cunningham's Pages
A teddy bear is working on a construction site. He goes for a cigarette and when he returns he notices his pick-axe has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked.
TV EVANGELISTS. Never attempt to do any odd jobs around the house whilst naked under a loose-fitting dressing gown as you will inevitably slip, something will go up your arse and they simply will not believe your explanation at Accident & Emergency.
Bought some rocket salad yesterday but it went off before I could eat it.
Local Police hunting the 'Knitting Needle Killer' who has stabbed six people here in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.
I overheard a couple of idiots talking in a bar at the weekend..saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was female. What a pair of sexist morons. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fucken thing.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she'd like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $5.00 in her purse.
I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.
PRODUCERS on The History Channel. 'Ancient Astronaut Theorist' is not a real scientific qualification. Somebody is pulling your leg.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were charging $100.00!!! Screw this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four grave-diggers walking about with a coffin. Three hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
DIABOLISTS. For the full effect when photographing Satan, make sure to switch off your camera's red-eye reduction feature.
PEOPLE IN lifts. If Bruce Willis gets in wearing a vest and no shoes, exit the lift at the earliest opportunity.
SAVE MONEY on expensive surround sound home cinema systems by only watching films when the appropriate noises are going on outside, e.g. watch horror movies when there is a storm or cowboy films whilst local drug gangs are fighting it out in the street.
WAIT TILL your neighbours get into their car, and then fool them into thinking the handbrake doesn't work by pulling their house backwards.
WHITE WINE splashed onto a red wine stain will clean it up quickly. Similarly, fat splashes on clothes can be easily removed by rubbing salad onto the affected area.
HOMEOWNERS. When selling your house, replace your furniture with children's tables and chairs, and use a dwarf estate agent. Instantly, your house will seem roomier than it actually is.
SAVE MONEY on expensive CDs by simply cutting circles of cardboard from an empty cornflakes packet and covering them with foil.
BEFORE BRUSHING your teeth, eat something sweet, such as a piece of chocolate. That way you can be sure of getting good value for the toothpaste that you use.
What is happening to me? I keep catching myself humming tunes from The Wiggles.
DISCARDED wooden pallets make ideal 'designer futons' for style-conscious tramps.
LADIES. Cause unnecessary congestion at petrol forecourts by waiting for the pumps on the side nearest your petrol cap, as the 9-foot long hose may not reach round your 5-foot wide hatchback.
SHOPPERS. When you have finished and are leaving the supermarket, kindly offer your shopping list to people who are going in, as they may have forgotten to make one.